whatta year

the dust has cleared. the Christmas rush has peaked and gone. Whatta year that was. a very good year that I am almost overwhelmed and surprised. Come 2009, I face big challenges ahead. I only ask for the strength and humility to face all of them. I want to remember that I am but a small microcosm in this big universe of ours and that I only play a small part as to how everything in this world will turn out. so I will do my best and play that part. even if I'm gone, this world will keep on spinning. at the least, i'd like to leave it better.

What kind of world do you want? Let's start today.

New vs Old

Transitions ...

Kelan

Kailan mo gagawin kung hindi ngayon? Tao po.

Why

Why is it that women expect us to be mind readers all the time? And when we become sensitive, they complain. I have to have the right temperature of her tea everytime :S

rule number one

i want you to hit me as hard as you can. Ivo indulged me and punched me thrice. He surprised me by punching me two times more than what was bargained but i had asked for it so i'm not complaining. it actually felt good. he punched me again before i left the office and that actually hurt. but i still felt good about it. i asked him why he felt the need to punch and he said that it was his way of releasing (his frustrations - i guess)...he sometimes hit walls out of the blue. hobby? i can't blame ivo. i sometimes feel the same way. i have this unexplained aggresion inside of me that i usually take out on objects or sometimes at my siblings he he. which is wrong. it should be taken out in sports activities but i'm not getting any of that because of other commitments so there you go. i guess what i'm trying to say is that there's a fight in all of us. that's why i believe everyone and anyone can relate to fight club. whoever says he can't is in denial.let it go. let go. let the pain numb your senses. and numb you to the world. pain is felt strongly and it's a feeling that's really hard to forget where all else is fleeting and temporary. let out the fight in you. surprise me.

confined.

Glad to be back. Been confined in a hospital cell the past 4 days because of intestinal flu. the kind that makes you move without your wanting to (Record:12 times) along with chills caused by high fever. my first suspect was that it was the kare kare the day before. but everyone else from the family ate it. I just assumed that I must have eaten something that had already dropped on the table(i don't believe wasting out food to bacteria - but bacteria got me this time).

1st day. I was so weak and feverish that I could barely think, let alone move and type right but I had to refine my PPR and after countless hits on the backspace I had finally gotten it done and sent - it was only later on that I found out that I had made a booboo of a different sort. My dad then decided that it was time to bring me to the hospital. He noticed I wasn't my natural color and that I would need divine intravention (IV) already. So we went. Lals and my sister came along - a good thing too - because the wait at the emergency room was ginormously long. I was too dehydrated to speak and to move. But when they stuck the IV in, I started feeling better. We were talking in the ER for about 2hrs before the hospital finally checked me in. The first night was not too bad except for the chills. But the nurse on duty always checked in to see if I was doing ok.

2nd day.Hospital food sucks.Or at least mine did. mine fell under the BRAC category. Banana Rice Apples Carrots(?)... My dad had another version, BRAT. Banana Rice Apples Tea. At least they served sola. But the hospital version of lugaw.I don't believe they even serve that in prison.It looked and smelled like glue. More like gluegaw. Or as lals would call it, lugawgaw. So I relied on the crackers. I was on crackers and fruits for the next 3 days. This was the day that the doc came by and prescribed an antibiotic already. So those made me feel better. I got to catch an NFL game between the Titans and the Colts. The Titans are just superb this year. They crushed the Colts in that game. Their defense is great and their WR Johnson is just doing wonders for them. QB Collison is not doing bad either. My dad was pushing that I get discharged early because of the CMMA awarding the next day. Lals lent me their "Kite Runner" book.

3rd day. I'd have to miss the awarding as I was nowhere to getting my wastes solidified and I was still having chills. Watched LA vs Portland game and reading kite runner in between ads. It's nice to see how much noise LA is going to make this year. I wasn't a Kobe fan before but I've seen the way he matured over the past few seasons and I'm rooting for them this year. My IV stopped flowing this afternoon. They had to switch the needle to the other hand. It took two tries, two needles and a very patient nurse and patient to get it done. It took a smaller needle too (size 22 as opposed to 20 - don't know why their needles are sized reversely). By the time we were done, I got two unusable hands, one hurting from pain, the other on dextrose. But it was only a matter of time before the other hand was pain free again.

4th day. Finished the kite runner. Sad sad story but I'm glad Amir was able to redeem himself or else I would've hated his character till the end of time.

Talking with my dad, we tried to figure out what it was. What was that one thing that I ate that nobody else did. It turns out that Adrian and I ordered Wendy's for our Iowa upgrade last Saturday. I ordered Chicken Breast Fillet and he ordered Bacon Mushroom melt. Bingo. I remember not looking at what I was eating. Didn't notice if the vegetables were fresh. I just ate. Lesson of the story is, watch what you eat.

My prayer for today.

Harder.Better.Faster.Stronger. Keep me on my toes. Maintain my vigilance. For it is only when I know that you are there that I can truly feel alive. Somehow, because of all this, my awareness has been heightened and I am beginning to enjoy things that I regret not seeing before. You have opened my eyes. And I am more grateful than ever. You have been prodding me every now and then to look your way. And I always look away, believing that I have something else better. Keep me. I want to give back everyday. Keep me in your grace forever.



Tha that that that cannot kill me, can only make me stronger. I need you right now.

Retreat

it's difficult to want something that I haven't been accustomed to (the whole year round since my last retreat). For the past year, I haven't been exactly your model catholic.so now,fresh from another retreat this year, I've been rejuvenated with a new resolve. I've forgotten so many things that are based on my faith. Mired in the own pit that I created, I forgot already the inner joy and peace that others feel when they are one with our creator. These are some of the points that I want to remember for the rest of the year until my next retreat:

:: Life of man is happiness and joy, not pleasure. Pleasure is fleeting. Happiness is something external (outside of yourself that you gain). Joy is something within yourself that overflows and are able to communicate with/to others.

::Sanctify your work. Sanctify it by offering it to our Lord.

::We are all born to love God. It is in our nature.

So for a change, I will try to use what I have learned. I'm too tired of becoming selfish. It's time that I loved back.

I'm posting this because I want to be reminded of the things that I learned. Sharing it just in case someone else may learn from it.

drowning.

I'm not sure if this is what I signed up for. It becomes hard when one really starts comparing. But it's always good to know what else is out there, right? I feel like someone holding a ton of books right now that I can't even free one hand to read one. What do I get in return? More books!! What fun!

.... something is bound to break ....

stand up...

Fr Sandy brought up a pretty good point earlier. If the government is so concerned with population being the source of our economic woes, why don't they prohibit our muslim brothers from practicing polygamy. That would also bring numbers down. Muslims would take offense ofcourse because the government would be meddling in matters that they believe in. Sames goes for people who are pro-life. We take offense when the government passes into law/ordinance something that is against our belief. Worse, they seem to think that they have the ability now to say what is moral from not. They may be able able to legalize the reproductive health bill/ordinance but they can never make it morally good. What's really sad is that the Catholics themselves are the ones signing these ordinances into law. We can always say that ignorance is part of the problem. Isn't studying what they pass into law part of the job description? No matter how great the pressure is from other sides,it's always good to hold on to something that you believe in and stick by it.

It's time to stand up for life.

what's comfortable or unknown...

it's hard to choose.

simple.

i realize now that none of this matters as long as I love you. To know, to love and to serve. it's that simple.

sick.

.... Zzzz ...

the space between

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

limits.

took a swim today. to get all the negative vibes out of my body. and I'd have to say that it worked. I should do this more often. The pool is a perfect way to feel the unbearable lightness of being. You can almost move any way you want to. It's almost like one big trampoline wherein you can jump and make poses all day and it really won't matter that you're just going up and down. I did my laps and on the other side of the pool, an 11 or 14 year old girl was being trained by her coach. The coach looked like he doesn't know anything about swimming because he didn't really look that fit. And it really bugged me that he was shouting at the girl, that she wasn't trying hard enough. That she wasn't giving her all. To get that verbal abuse at a young age? I wouldn't want my kid to go through that. I do admit that it could make the girl stronger afterwards. But it could also go the other way. anyhow, the question of the day is, if you're someone who wants to push yourself or someone else to the limits, how good is good enough? and how far is far enough? It's all subjective, i tell you. and either which way, something is bound to break.

bulalo.

sucking the marrows of life. I don't know where that will take me. but it feels so good. to drink the dregs of the little stuff that life comprises of.

Character

Western Oregon's Sara Tucholsky is carried around the bases by Central Washington's Liz Wallace and Mallory Holtman after injuring her knee while rounding first base following her first-career home run.

sad realizations

Some people could be so selfish. It makes my blood boil. What if I said the same thing? "I'm selfish too and I don't want to do anything for you as well. I don't want to help you in any other way because I've got this important thing going on. I won't spare 5 minutes to help you because my stuff is important. The world revolves around me. I don't care about you. I just care about my stuff --- how I'm going to do and how people are going to perceive me. Why should I type this? I was born to speak. I'm not a crummy encoder."

What if all people thought that way? What has humanity boiled down to? It's no wonder the world is like this. And we blame God for it. God has nothing to do with it. We've been messing it out too much on our own that God does not have to add the yang to the yin.

I choose to ...

"This is where I belong." I told Lals as we were jogging around the baseball field of Meralco, as prerequisite warmup for learning more about ultimate frisbee. I've always felt comfortable in the field. It's a stage wherein you don't have speak to prove how good you are. No pretentions. Just talent and skill and creativity. All you need to do is bring your game and let it speak for yourself. I didn't say I was good in frisbee. There are a lot of people out there that have been playing since it started/became popular and I wouldn't want to compete with that. All I'm saying is that I belong in the field. I belong in the basketball courts. The Power-ups and the gyms. I am most fulfilled when I play. The smell of the green grass. The killer instinct of wanting to win and score. To top it all off, it rained. And I could never feel anymore comfortable than that. To play in the rain. And feel nature playing along with you. I should've been a PE teacher. I should've taken up a physical education course and taught kids how to take care of their body. Instead, I spend 8-12 hours a day infront of the computer and wonder at the end of the day whether I've accomplished anything at all. I've envisioned that if I teach kids, I could inspire them to dream and do what they want to do when they grow up. I could instill in them life lessons that I acquired from my parents and older people. I could have them off drugs and other things that just distract and don't contribute to their growth. That is my dream. This is my vision. I will teach them to compete and value sportsmanship at the same time. I will hone whatever talent they have and increase their potential, giving them lots of opportunities even at such an early age. Best of all, I'll be doing what I love to do. Being out in the open field, learning as much as I can and teaching all that I know.



I choose to.

Unsatisfied but happy.

I thought I was going to sleep now but I wasn't. I thought I was going to get satisfied but I'm not. I love what I do. And yet I hate it. A million contradictions all rolled into one. Objective as I would like to be, I'm not. Who can really say? Am i someone looking from the outside at what I'm really supposed to be? Or am i someone looking inside, knowing what I really am. What's more surprising is that there's this one person who puts up with all these questions in my head. Will I get to the place where I want to go? And if I get there, will I be happy? I'm happy as it is. And yet I still long for that place.

There is the fear that if I get there, I will go back to square one of not feeling any satisfaction. Life was never easy for me. Everything that I have, I worked hard for. And yet, when I get to places and meet people, I am never truly satisfied. How can i gun for that one place, if I know that nothing really satisfies my weird self. I can't say I'm a perfectiontist because I see the beauty in the crudeness and rawness of things. That is why I will have to settle for weird.

A million contradictions all rolled into one. Why won't sleep come? And deprive me of these ramblings that have no direction whatsoever. But I want to put it here. to remind me. That I am complex. That I am not as simple as I always thought I was. I always thought that I got myself figured out. But in time like these, went you want to sleep and you cannot, you tend to think otherwise. I am unsatisfied but happy. I feel like there is something more... always, that needs to be done. Maybe I'm lacking some things in other aspects of my life. There is more to work on. I've lots of room for growth. Maybe that is why. Later. Later will be another day. I will start now....

And go to sleep.