I've been meaning to write for the longest time now. I've so much to say that I don't know where to start and I'm afraid that i won't know how to end. I'm at the point in my life wherein i feel numb to any kind of pain or hurt. Or do i just cover it up in an attempt to deny what i'm really feeling? I've become a person who does not care what other people think about me (I'm wondering if this would hurt in the long run). The only problem that I see with that is that there is the tendency to hurt back without meaning to. Sometimes i find myself in situations that i never wanted to get to in the first place, but somehow because of my nature, I'd find myself in that same pit, trying to claw my way out and at the same time ask why i'd been there in the first place. I want to go back to the place where I try to find meaning in my life and stop my cynicism. I want to find innocence again. I want to keep believing that there is still hope for everyone and everything. I've been jaded i know. but at the same time, I've felt so much goodness in my life that i cannot just tell one side of the story. I feel like a soldier that's killed thousands in the middle of the battlefield, contemplating what he'd really accomplished in the process. He's made some mistakes as well, and is thinking if those consequences would come back to haunt him. I want to find my place in the world. Which would require me to put faith in the world (which i have little of as of the moment). time is against all of us. as much as we want to accomplish saving the world --- we are but bound by the things that keep us busy all day, like surviving. As much as we want to go out there and do it all, we have to deal with the system of how it all works. Is it right that we just succumb to the same fate that our ancestors have gone through? Isn't it time that we stood up and changed how it all works? Little by little, I will chip that block. Somehow,someday... I hope to find that place in the world.
