Unsatisfied but happy.

I thought I was going to sleep now but I wasn't. I thought I was going to get satisfied but I'm not. I love what I do. And yet I hate it. A million contradictions all rolled into one. Objective as I would like to be, I'm not. Who can really say? Am i someone looking from the outside at what I'm really supposed to be? Or am i someone looking inside, knowing what I really am. What's more surprising is that there's this one person who puts up with all these questions in my head. Will I get to the place where I want to go? And if I get there, will I be happy? I'm happy as it is. And yet I still long for that place.

There is the fear that if I get there, I will go back to square one of not feeling any satisfaction. Life was never easy for me. Everything that I have, I worked hard for. And yet, when I get to places and meet people, I am never truly satisfied. How can i gun for that one place, if I know that nothing really satisfies my weird self. I can't say I'm a perfectiontist because I see the beauty in the crudeness and rawness of things. That is why I will have to settle for weird.

A million contradictions all rolled into one. Why won't sleep come? And deprive me of these ramblings that have no direction whatsoever. But I want to put it here. to remind me. That I am complex. That I am not as simple as I always thought I was. I always thought that I got myself figured out. But in time like these, went you want to sleep and you cannot, you tend to think otherwise. I am unsatisfied but happy. I feel like there is something more... always, that needs to be done. Maybe I'm lacking some things in other aspects of my life. There is more to work on. I've lots of room for growth. Maybe that is why. Later. Later will be another day. I will start now....

And go to sleep.